Dissecting A Spider

Creator: Dr. Warren F.N. Piece

As I hold a B.A. in Psychology from a semi-reputable New York State university, I feel that I am more than qualified to provide you all with an authoritative, clinical analysis of one Anderson “The Spider” Silva following, what many consider to be, his second bizarre performance in a row inside “The Octagon”.

For Whom The Jingle Bell Tolls

Author: Satan Claws

The dead and myself have been working diligently down here in the “South
Pole” on this year’s X-Mas(sacre) List. It is nearly complete (I’ve been a
little sluggish lately..all this fucking food! Newborns are harder to digest
than one might expect). Here’s a snippet of what I’ll be bringing everyone (in no particular
order…CHAOS!!!):

Fedor: A renewal of the invincibility powers I bestowed upon him in
exchange for his soul many years ago.

Andrei Arlovsky: The illusion of a chance at beating Fedor, followed by
severe disappointment. 

Tim Sylvia: A selection of assorted pee-pees for the tasting.

Matt Serra: The opportunity to kick bible-toting Matt Hughes’ Midwestern
ass on behalf of NY and Italian-Americans everywhere. Look for the State to
lift the ban on MMA in NY within the next few months, thereby allowing this
fight to happen at the Garden. In the alternative, expect State Senate and
Assembly members to die a fiery-death!

Alistair Overeem: Kneepads. 

CroCop: A fancy pen for his impending retirement.

UFC: What do you get for the company that has everything?

Wanderlei Silva: A win against Rampage (but does he really need assistance
from me?) followed by a shot a UFC LHW Champ Rashad Evans (there I go
letting mortals in on the future again).

Big Nog: The full support of Hades in his run for the “official” UFC HW
title. He’s a good shit, that one.

Frank Mir: The word “ASSHOLE” tattooed on his forehead.

Frank Shamrock: Invisible braces.

Tito Ortiz: A clue.

Anderson Silva: A challenge (NOTE TO JOE SILVA: Thales Leites is not a
challenge).

Keith Jardine: Good advice: don’t take the rematch with Liddell. You
already have the W on your resume.

Bas Ruten: A new job…you’re ruining Inside MMA for me.

Phillipe Nover: Takedown defense (in the hopes that he may still one day
prove himself to be the savior of NY MMA).

Badr Hari: A K-1 Rulebook.

Gina Carano: A video camera on which to record a high-quality homemade
porno to be leaked on the internet.

US Fight Fans: A good, non-streaming, method of watching Fields Dynamite
on New Years Eve (should be one HELL of a show [evil laugh]).





Now remember kiddies, if you hear someone rummaging through your house on
Christmas Eve…you should stay in your  beds or I’ll chop your fucking
heads off with a butcher knife, string them together and make myself a giant
child-head cock-ring!!!



OPINION PIECE: Why I’m a Big Keith Jardine Fan

Author: Warren Piece

NYFS Charter, Exception 37: A New York Fight Scene writer may publish an opinion piece concerning a non-NY-based/born fighter if: (a) said writer’s surname is, actually, “Piece”; (b) said fighter is relatively unpopular and underpaid; and said writer is moved to do so after said fighter scores yet another big win in the UFC.

Let me begin with a personal story: I attended UFC 89 back in whenever (my memory leaves something to be desired). This was before I became the critically-acclaimed super-journalist I am widely considered to be today. Back then, I was just a crazed super-fan like any of you.

During my stay in Vegas that weekend, I met many UFC fighters and other well-known MMA personalities, including: Dana White, GSP, Matt Hughes (boo-hiss), Urijah Faber, Rich Clementi, Punkass from Tapout and a few others. All of the folks mentioned above were really cool about taking the time to say what’s up, take a pic, etc.

Two individuals weren’t. Frank Mir who I will refrain from talking shit about and “The Dean of Mean” himself, Keith Jardine. I ran into Keith at the diner-like restaurant in the MGM Grand. After saying what’s up, I’m a big fan, etc., he reluctantly shook my hand and looked as if he would have rather not. I didn’t bother asking for a picture. In all fairness, it was real early in the morning and the dude just wanted to eat his breakfast. 

So why do I give a crap about some guy who gave me the cold shoulder and fights like he has the shakes? I think it’s because he’s always the underdog, because he always comes to brawl, because he’s always looking to knock someone the fuck out and because his fighting style, while ugly as hell, is totally unique…and I dig unique. He’s got huge wins and huge loses, but each of those fights have been both significant and exciting. 

At UFC 89, when Rogan asked Jardine how it feels to have defeated both Chuck Liddell and Forrest Griffin and still be in a position where he HAS to win fights, Keith said, “I can’t complain. I’m getting good guys every fight that could be the best in the world.” Great attitude. He’s content to know he’s beaten and can hang with the top dogs. No complaints about how much more Vera got paid to lose to him, no talk of a title fight with Griffin (even though he beat him down so badly the last time they met that Forrest ended up crying in a corner)…nothing like that. 

The Dean reminds me of Dana White’s favorite fighter, Wanderlei Silva (putting aside the massive differences in popularity and respect). Silva wins, he loses, but he always comes to fight…he loves to fight and I believe his pride is his most prized possession…not money or fame. I feel there are a lot of similarities there. 

The moral of the story?

“Never Judge a Fighter by his Awkward, Herky-Jerky Style.”